What I learnt being a dinosaur

I’ve always been obsessed with dinosaurs, ever since I first found out about them when I was 23. My top three are pterodactyl, velociraptor and stegosaurus. But I also really like T-rex and some others too.


Some of them were absurdly proportioned; bigger than buses and houses. But some of them were really small too; like normal animals. They boasted incredible skills, from strength and speed through to long necks. But, it has to be said, most of them were pretty stupid.  


And this, for me, was the most frustrating thing about being a dinosaur. Ultimately, it was the reason I decided to end my experience in the Jurassic era sooner than I was contractually obliged. I had to pay a pretty steep fine, but it was was the correct decision.

The dinosaurs were really nice. But, in truth, their lack of intelligence and total disinterest in bettering themselves left me slightly cold.

For V Day

She loved her. So she got her ceremonial sword, cut her heart out of her chest, nailed it to a bit of wood, slammed it in a box and got it couriered to her house. The end

What I learnt during my time a ghost

“When I first got offered the opportunity to be a ghost for a week, I was like: “No way. What are you on about?” But when the tall man with the white hair and the powdery face assured me it was pretty much totally safe, and after we’d signed the relevant responsibility release forms, I was actually really excited about the whole thing.     

“A week later I met him and his scientists at the laboratory and, following a tiring but essential two-day briefing lecture, stepped into the ghost making machine. I didn’t really get the physics but the machine essentially removes the ghost you would be from your body and stores your body and brain in a special chamber. As soon as this process, which takes only a matter of seconds, is complete, you can fly off and be a ghost. It’s amazing really.

“Anyway, I’d promised myself I was going to be a good ghost (which means not trying to spook your enemies and no floating around in girls’ changing rooms). But it also means that, once you’ve got over the walking through walls and flying excitement, it’s actually pretty hard to think of ways in which to take advantage of your spectral form.

“I decided to glide over to my best friend David’s house, to see if I could make contact with the living. But when I arrived there I wished I hadn’t bothered because he was badmouthing me to his girlfriend. He said I was selfish and that I told lies. It was awful.”