What I learnt being a pirate

Pirates are probably the most well regarded criminal, among young boys anyway. And it’s not hard to see why; they’ve got huge ships, cannons, drinks, swords, monkey assistants and they shout a lot. 

But these fun things, like the swords and the booze, are really used as a PR exercise to disguise the self-loathing experienced by most pirates. I’d only been a pirate for about 35 minutes when I started to hate myself. By the time I’d been a pirate for three months the sense of emptiness I felt had approximately quintupled.

I’m not saying there’s nothing good about being a pirate. They know how to party; especially when they get on to dry land, believe me! But knowing that none of them are really happy and that they carry around with them a sense of futile inadequacy does take the shine off things. 

What I learnt being a planet

When you’re a planet you’ve got two choices. You can either look outwards, out at the stars and planets and other space stuff. Or you can look inwards at whatever inhabits you, which might just be gases or it could be animals. To do this you use the bit of you that is your sky to look inside yourself and see what’s going on. It’s pretty bonkers.

Anyway, the good thing about being a planet is that both options are incredible. One way you have the single most awe-inspiring sight imaginable. It goes on forever and it’s dynamic, and magical and powerful and endless. And the microcosmic internal view, though less impactful, is perhaps more incredible for its miraculous irrelevance. Life is fascinating.

But this sentiment also represents the major drawback to being a planet: you don’t have any mates. Your next door neighbours live hundreds of millions of miles away. There’s no one to talk to. Most planets are actually quite sad. And I wouldn’t recommend being one for longer than three to four weeks, max.

The octopus that won the lottery

The octopus won the lottery and she hired the DJ to play hard house.She requested hard house for five hours straight. The music was horrible. But anyway, the giant aquatic lady lizard was on the dance floor waxing on about the new pen she’d bought. It was a Stabilo Excel 828M. Also, there were some small people on ladders.