What I learnt being a dog

Dogs are my favourite animal. So, as you can imagine, I was looking forward to my time in the canine world. Walks, food, sleep, strokes, chasing sticks and/or balls: good times.

  I was expecting to become some kind of solid, desirable dog like a labrador or a spaniel or even something like an enthusiastic terrier. But when I awoke as a dog I was disappointed to realise that I had become a pug. I should have stipulated my preference when the contract was being drawn up. But, what kind of organisation would have a pug as default dog setting?

 Anyway, my time as a dog was totally ruined. No one wants to be a pug. They are cute in an ironic sort of way. But they are stupid and irritating too. When I was a pug I annoyed myself.

What I learnt being a pirate

Pirates are probably the most well regarded criminal, among young boys anyway. And it’s not hard to see why; they’ve got huge ships, cannons, drinks, swords, monkey assistants and they shout a lot. 

But these fun things, like the swords and the booze, are really used as a PR exercise to disguise the self-loathing experienced by most pirates. I’d only been a pirate for about 35 minutes when I started to hate myself. By the time I’d been a pirate for three months the sense of emptiness I felt had approximately quintupled.

I’m not saying there’s nothing good about being a pirate. They know how to party; especially when they get on to dry land, believe me! But knowing that none of them are really happy and that they carry around with them a sense of futile inadequacy does take the shine off things.