What I learnt being a planet

When you’re a planet you’ve got two choices. You can either look outwards, out at the stars and planets and other space stuff. Or you can look inwards at whatever inhabits you, which might just be gases or it could be animals. To do this you use the bit of you that is your sky to look inside yourself and see what’s going on. It’s pretty bonkers.

Anyway, the good thing about being a planet is that both options are incredible. One way you have the single most awe-inspiring sight imaginable. It goes on forever and it’s dynamic, and magical and powerful and endless. And the microcosmic internal view, though less impactful, is perhaps more incredible for its miraculous irrelevance. Life is fascinating.

But this sentiment also represents the major drawback to being a planet: you don’t have any mates. Your next door neighbours live hundreds of millions of miles away. There’s no one to talk to. Most planets are actually quite sad. And I wouldn’t recommend being one for longer than three to four weeks, max.

The octopus that won the lottery

The octopus won the lottery and she hired the DJ to play hard house.She requested hard house for five hours straight. The music was horrible. But anyway, the giant aquatic lady lizard was on the dance floor waxing on about the new pen she’d bought. It was a Stabilo Excel 828M. Also, there were some small people on ladders.

What I learnt being a dinosaur

I’ve always been obsessed with dinosaurs, ever since I first found out about them when I was 23. My top three are pterodactyl, velociraptor and stegosaurus. But I also really like T-rex and some others too.


Some of them were absurdly proportioned; bigger than buses and houses. But some of them were really small too; like normal animals. They boasted incredible skills, from strength and speed through to long necks. But, it has to be said, most of them were pretty stupid.  


And this, for me, was the most frustrating thing about being a dinosaur. Ultimately, it was the reason I decided to end my experience in the Jurassic era sooner than I was contractually obliged. I had to pay a pretty steep fine, but it was was the correct decision.

The dinosaurs were really nice. But, in truth, their lack of intelligence and total disinterest in bettering themselves left me slightly cold.

For V Day

She loved her. So she got her ceremonial sword, cut her heart out of her chest, nailed it to a bit of wood, slammed it in a box and got it couriered to her house. The end

What I learnt during my time a ghost

“When I first got offered the opportunity to be a ghost for a week, I was like: “No way. What are you on about?” But when the tall man with the white hair and the powdery face assured me it was pretty much totally safe, and after we’d signed the relevant responsibility release forms, I was actually really excited about the whole thing.     

“A week later I met him and his scientists at the laboratory and, following a tiring but essential two-day briefing lecture, stepped into the ghost making machine. I didn’t really get the physics but the machine essentially removes the ghost you would be from your body and stores your body and brain in a special chamber. As soon as this process, which takes only a matter of seconds, is complete, you can fly off and be a ghost. It’s amazing really.

“Anyway, I’d promised myself I was going to be a good ghost (which means not trying to spook your enemies and no floating around in girls’ changing rooms). But it also means that, once you’ve got over the walking through walls and flying excitement, it’s actually pretty hard to think of ways in which to take advantage of your spectral form.

“I decided to glide over to my best friend David’s house, to see if I could make contact with the living. But when I arrived there I wished I hadn’t bothered because he was badmouthing me to his girlfriend. He said I was selfish and that I told lies. It was awful.”

What I learnt being a superhero

I used to be a super hero. It sounds silly now but it’s true. I wasn't like superman, with a million special powers. Really, I was closer to batman. I used my ingenuity to right wrongs. But I did have laser eyes too. I had a nemesis (obviously). He was created in a lab by an evil scientist, or something. Both held a limited regard for human life. I killed my nemesis last time we met. His demise followed a ferocious three-day battle in a desert, which was on the news. However, two days later I discovered that he had a built in back-up support unit that meant he could never really die. He could re-spawn. That’s not a level playing field. And I decided it wasn't really worth it any more.