For V Day

She loved her. So she got her ceremonial sword, cut her heart out of her chest, nailed it to a bit of wood, slammed it in a box and got it couriered to her house. The end

What I learnt during my time a ghost

“When I first got offered the opportunity to be a ghost for a week, I was like: “No way. What are you on about?” But when the tall man with the white hair and the powdery face assured me it was pretty much totally safe, and after we’d signed the relevant responsibility release forms, I was actually really excited about the whole thing.     

“A week later I met him and his scientists at the laboratory and, following a tiring but essential two-day briefing lecture, stepped into the ghost making machine. I didn’t really get the physics but the machine essentially removes the ghost you would be from your body and stores your body and brain in a special chamber. As soon as this process, which takes only a matter of seconds, is complete, you can fly off and be a ghost. It’s amazing really.

“Anyway, I’d promised myself I was going to be a good ghost (which means not trying to spook your enemies and no floating around in girls’ changing rooms). But it also means that, once you’ve got over the walking through walls and flying excitement, it’s actually pretty hard to think of ways in which to take advantage of your spectral form.

“I decided to glide over to my best friend David’s house, to see if I could make contact with the living. But when I arrived there I wished I hadn’t bothered because he was badmouthing me to his girlfriend. He said I was selfish and that I told lies. It was awful.”

What I learnt being a superhero

I used to be a super hero. It sounds silly now but it’s true. I wasn't like superman, with a million special powers. Really, I was closer to batman. I used my ingenuity to right wrongs. But I did have laser eyes too. I had a nemesis (obviously). He was created in a lab by an evil scientist, or something. Both held a limited regard for human life. I killed my nemesis last time we met. His demise followed a ferocious three-day battle in a desert, which was on the news. However, two days later I discovered that he had a built in back-up support unit that meant he could never really die. He could re-spawn. That’s not a level playing field. And I decided it wasn't really worth it any more.